Weighty topics

The crankies/crabbies seem to have settled down a bit. I do know what caused them, though. As we all know, when it comes to dating, I have zero skills. I have no idea how something so natural for many completely eludes me, but it does. I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago who was such an ass I'm amazed that I didn't turn to him and say, "Holy hell, you are SUCH an ass." Well, I may have lamented about this issue of mine to my manicurist (dear self, you're kind of a prissy bitch, now aren't you?) and commented that this lack of skill is also exacerbated by the fat that surrounds my skinny girl soul. "Oh honey, you've got nothing to worry about! Some guys really love big girls. They love that in the bedroom!" The reassurance that I was looking for in this conversation wasn't exactly that I could get fetishists off, you know what I mean?

I had a date scheduled for Saturday afternoon. It was an internet date (shut. up. No one knows how awful this sounds more than I do, thankyouverymuch). We exchanged pictures on Friday. And then, well, then the date was cancelled. By him. This is technically totally fine. No one should have to go on a date with someone they're not attracted to. There are a lot of guys I'm not attracted to. It just plain old sucks though when you're the one who's not attractive enough.

Now, I'm not unattractive, this I do know. I'm kinda cute. But... there's the layer of fat. To keep things in perspective because I know people who have seen me in person are going to chime in and say that I'm not that fat, I'm not. I can't go into a plus-size store and buy clothes because even their smallest sizes are too big. But I'm tiny, 5'2" and I don't wear fat well. Also, totally not fat enough for the fetishists -- a fact that I am FINE with.

I know you're all probably thinking duh, I'm well aware that you're fat but weren't you going to do something about it? Yes, yes I was. About 10 million times. It's just that dieting is really hard. Going to the gym regularly is hard. It's the dieting that kills me though. It sucks. Not being able to indulge the whimsies of my taste buds drives me insane. I don't like having my every thought be about food. When I'm thinking about eating when  I'm dieting the though process goes: no cookies, no cheese, no bread basket, I'll have the salmon cooked without butter, damn this salmon sucks I wish I had the bread, *resent diet*. It's difficult to live like that at every meal, or every time I have a hunger pang. It's also difficult to think about how I have more than 10 pounds to lose. Thinking of it as a lifestyle change and trying to train my brain with accurate calorie counts makes me weep for chocolate croissants. I am just not good at it and it seems like an impossibility.

So, here I sit (let's face it, I'm good at sitting) and I know what I have to do and I know how very,very much it sucks. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do next.

---

You may have seen my cousin Tiffany commenting on this blog before. Her father* passed away last night after a long struggle. She's almost 30-weeks pregnant and is flying across the country today to see the family. She could really use some thoughts and prayers if you have a moment.

*I've always referred to her as my cousin, but her father isn't actually my uncle. He's my dad's uncle so Tiffany is actually my first cousin once removed and her father is my great uncle. I'm not putting this here to crassly explain family dynamics but because Tiffany like genealogy and factoids.

 

Comments

[Rhi]

Oh, I would NEVER EVER go on an internet date.

Ahem.

[ree]

Don't think about it as 10 lbs. Think of it as 2 lbs. Then another 2.

;-)

[Kristi]

Ohhh...I TOTALLY feel your pain with losing weight. Lucky for me, I found love before I got this fat or you and I might be in the same boat.

[nancypearlwannabe]

I have the same problems, except I am 5'9. I am not plus sized, sure, but I have to buy tall pants and make sure the shirts have enough room for the lady bits to fit in there. Maybe if I didn't eat cookie dough as I was making them the lady bits would fit in those shirts better?

I don't know if I'm willing to find out.

[sizzle]

I met my boyfriend via the internet. Hell, 75% of my boyfriends I met on the internet. It's better than a bar. I was always extra worried about someone rejecting me based on my weight so I made sure to put full length photos and an honest description of myself so that they could just skip over me if they weren't interested. It's the rejection AFTER we've emailed and talked that burns the worst.

Wow, I'm really giving you a pep talk aren't I!? Sheesh.

What I MEAN to say is that there are plenty of guys out there who will find you as adorable and attractive as you are. And those guys? Those guys have what we call "taste."

[Alane]

Sorry about your date - but I must say that an internet date it so not lame!!! I met my hubby online & we've been married 10 years now, thank you AOL :)

I totally get the geneology thing - I just spent a weekend with a lot of second cousins once removed, and twice removed & up and down & sideways removed...we walked around all weekend saying hi I know I'm related to you but who the heck are you anyway???

Please tell your cousin my prayers are with her & her family.

[slynnro]

Okay, I CANNOT BELIEVE your manicurist would say something like that.

As for dieting, you know all about me and my diet and work outs. To me it is all a matter of changing tastes, which takes forever but it worth it. I don't crave bad food. I feel terrible if I don't work out. You have to train your body to want these things. Which sucks, but my point is it can be done which makes the lifestyle so much easier to maintain.

[beth]

Ugh, I hear you. I have been struggling with my weight in exactly the same way. I know in theory that "everything must go" but in reality I just don't want to stop eating cookies.

So here I sit, still in my maternity pants 6 months later. Ugh.

[Kristabella]

That sucks about your date.

As for the whole dieting thing, my problem is more the exercising. I can eat well if I want. But what I noticed when I turned 30 was that if I want to actually lose weight, I have to actually move my ass off the couch.

I'm sorry to hear about Tiffany's dad. Sending good thoughts...

[Mer]

I love you and miss you!

PS: If we were both lesbians, I would totally marry you (in Vermont or something). You are SO cute. Unfortunately, neither of us is a lesbian, so we are out of luck.

[Tiffany]

Thanks for putting up that note, Nicki! We made it to PA safe and sound...busily working on arrangements.

I love that you were so precise in that description of our relationship...you've made me proud! :-)

[PomJob]

Ugh, I suck at dating. I can never get the date. What am I doing wrong?