Not Perfect

Wedding stories

After I last posted about my now defunct wedding blog, a lot of people requested more stories. In fact, I'll be guest posting on a popular blog in the coming weeks (details will come!). I will not be posting on the old blog anymore, but every now and then I will post a story here.

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I had been working with a bride and her fiance for a number of months and we had a very good rapport. The bride knew I had an eye for details and I could see the vision she was going for. She liked me. I think she liked the people I worked with. The feelings weren't mutual. While the bride was nice, she was a bit demanding, but that was pretty much part of the job. For our part, the wedding went off without a hitch and aesthetically, it was gorgeous. If it weren't for one issue, this wedding would have been entirely forgotten.

The bride had a grand entrance that included a long walk on a portico and down a set of stairs before reaching the aisle. It was a long walk but so, so beautiful. We went through the rehearsal the night before the wedding and it was seamless.

The wedding had started well. Guests were seated with their programs The processional started and the wedding party had walked down the aisle. It was time for the bride to begin her walk with her parents. They stopped at the top of the stairs which was typical so the train could be straightened. She hissed something at them and continued walking. They stayed behind, shell-shocked, and then a few moments later began walking. We found out later that she told her parents to walk behind her so she could be the center of attention. She told them in the middle of her walk, in front of everyone, in direct contrast to what had been practiced and discussed, and well, what was on her printed itinerary that she created.

Her mother stayed to the edges of the reception and was very quiet throughout the evening. It was so, so sad. The look of devastation and shock on her parents' faces will stay in my mind forever.

Things I learned from HR.

We're in the process of hiring a new person for our office. Considering that there are presently four of us, this is pretty big. I sat through interviews last week, and I had also made some suggestions along the way. Do you know what I learned? Apparently you can't hire someone just because they are wearing awesome shoes. Male coworkers don't really appreciate being on a conference call where you're trying to extol the virtues of wearing awesome shoes. Also, you're not allowed to pick someone who is older than yourself expressly for the purpose that you want to remain the youngest and considering that you're well on your way to your mid-to-late twenties next week, this is very important to you.

I don't think I'll be changing over to HR anytime soon.

Let's make this a bulleted summary

• I won! A Sephora gift card from Anne! It came in very handy today as I purchased some new lipgloss (in Female Trouble - I hate the name), an eye brightener (in Candlelight), and a mascara comb. I was also going to get an eyeliner but I couldn't justify spending $32 on eyeliner without consulting the internet first. Advice, please!
• My quick trip to Arizona was nice and thoroughly exhausting. I was so exhausted that I couldn't say anything nice about anything for a few days. But, truly, I got a free upgrade on my rental car, the venue was gorgeous, the staff was amazing, the food was great, I got a free massage, it will work great for my group, and my job sent me on a trip purely to stay in a luxurious hotel so I can say that I like it. Yeah, it's not a bad deal, but late flights and serious sleep deprivation stemming from arriving home late, jetlag, and my smoke detector's battery dying and it being too high for me to access at 2 AM pushed me over the edge a bit. 
• I had some serious jetlag issues. I typically don't but I had some sleep deprivation issues combined with going from CA to PA to AZ in about 48 hours. I simply started referring to it as being time-fucked instead of jetlagged.
• Sarah Palin spent some time in Philadelphia this week. She was in my neighborhood on Friday for the dates and the whole scene was a little surreal. I was scheduled to go out with friends (to New fucking Jersey) and while I looked like hell after a long day, I opted not to go home because of the number of protesters standing in my way. I may also have spent a lot of time whining about how I didn't want to go to Jersey because I wanted to go Palin-spotting.
• Seven hours later I ended up in a bar where they were shooting a confessional show for HBO. Don't worry, I didn't go near that area of the bar.
• I am too old get home drunk at 3 AM from a smoky bar.
• I am way too old to be hungover and to wake up thinking the smokey scent of my hair is going to make me gag. 
• It took several days (um, now) for me to realize that Philly has banned smoking in bars. Why the hell was the bar so smokey?
• I turn 26 on October 7th. I'm stuck between eagerly drawing up my birthday wish list and crying over what I have not yet done with my life.
• There's actually no point in a birthday wish list since I know what I'm getting.
• My dad forwarded me an e-mail this morning that was one of those quizzes to see if I'm smarter than a fifth grader. Every now and then I think he wonders if the 16 years of private education was worth it. Probably not.
• I have another work trip on Friday morning.
• Then I don't fly for two weeks.
• Then I have surgery.
• I'm not ready to think about the surgery but I am ready to start buying myself gifts because OMG I have to have surgery.
• Why do I teach Sunday school? In creating our timeline of the story of Noah's Ark, someone wrote, "God told Nowa he was gowing to sart a flod." Quite frankly, this is awesome.

Staying busy

I just arrived home from my trip to San Francisco. I'll be here until Wednesday morning when I fly west again.

The whole thing sounded a lot less stupid when I planned it than it does right now.

Did you know that when you have been gone for a week and arrive home after 11:00 PM there's no food to be found? I guess I'll have to go to the store tomorrow. You know, between work, the DMV, a doctor's appointment and dinner and drinks with my brother. Oh, and some laundry and repacking because I'm only home for 36 hours and I should probably pay some bills too.

Seriously, this sounded a lot less ridiculous when I planned it a few weeks ago.

So yes, I was away for work. A meeting (it was one hour, I flew in a day early. It's a week later. I'm still bitter,) a staff retreat, a unit meeting, hand-off meetings for projects I'm working on next year and some budgeting.

I did also have some downtime. I wasn't really able to use my brain well during those times so I bought shoes.

I didn't take a picture of the pair of black patent peep toe mary janes that I went back to buy. All are from JCrew and all were very well priced. I'm a little bit giddy about them.

But mostly, in my downtime, I sat by the pool and drank daquiris. And watched the sun set.

Gone fishing

As we all know: I travel for work. I'm traveling right now. It's been a while since I've blogged and I feel that I have so much to tell you you're going to have to cope with snippets. Sorry! I'll get back to forming those paragraph things one day.

The world's most annoying woman. I wasn't able to sleep the night before my flight due to some form of insomnia where all I was capable of doing was worrying. LOVELY. But it was okay because Philly to San Francisco is a 5.5 hour flight and I can usually sleep on planes without a problem. I got on the plane and I noticed the voice of the woman behind me. OH. MY. GOD. It was painful. Her regular voice was Lisa Simpson's whiny voice -- and I could hear her over my iPod. She talked for all five and a half hours. At one point her traveling companion said that she thought she was going to nod off for a few and I savored the thought of sweet relief but no, about two minutes into it she woke the woman up because she thought of something else to tell her. I was not amused.

You may be wondering what she was talking about for so long. Apparently her sister's son's new wife, Rachel, is awful. She's a bad person. She's not friendly. She criticizes everyone and everything. Apparently before they got married she wasn't even introduced to his family. Annoying Woman felt this was because her sister was ashamed of how awful New Wife was. This conversation lasted for five and a half hours. I have no problem being annoyed at family members and talking about them. In fact, this may be one of my greatest skills. But I'm funny when I mock my family. I have to be. This woman was not funny. At all. I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to turn around, put my hand on her knee and say, "Listen, I think I understand what's going on here. The problem? IT IS YOU." But I didn't. I also wanted to turn around and yell, "I don't care if Rachel eats kittens for breakfast I AM ON HER SIDE."

Lack of sleep does not suit me well.

The world's ugliest hotel. I walked into the lobby of my hotel, a place I have stayed before, and was speechless. It was... different. After my flight with the world's most annoying woman, a severe lack of sleep and raging hunger, you might imagine that I wasn't pleased that I couldn't check into the hotel when I arrived. I decided to stop at the office for a bit (oh yeah, the hotel internet was down too). I started asking people if they had seen the lobby of The Hotel and most (since they are local) had not, but they had heard about it. "I just heard it was BAD," a coworker said, "but no one can actually articulate why."

I ran into a coworker who was staying there as well and asked what she thought. She said she didn't even know how to describe it. I agreed, "There's a lot going on, and none of it works together." That was the best description we've been able to find. My boss asked me this morning if I had posted the pictures yet. Clearly I have to show you.

This is the chandelier/mobile from the lobby. You may be wondering if you're hallucinating that your college exams are taunting you, but have no fear, this is just a mobile made of blue books. And doodles. And fug.

In this picture you see the mobile, which is obviously meant to be the focal point. You see the couch. Unfortunately the color is WAY off because in real life it's more of a teal patent leather than a blue leather. Those books on your right? Those are chairs. On the top left you see the wing-back chair and a half. If you look closely between the chairs, at the seat level you'll see something kind of green and shiny. That would be the grossly undersized size table. The side tables were made from green glass urns turned upside down.

This would be the solid glass bong replica lamp.

You don't need to see more. It was just BAD.

Tori Spelling. I am so very happy that Tori Spelling's book sTORItelling has hit #1 on the best seller list. It's possible that I may need a life.

The Beach.
I went this morning.

I went this afternoon.

Jet lag. When I travel west I try to keep my sleeping times relatively close to what they would be back east. This works well for me. It also means that I am really fading right now but I have one important thing to tell you:

Mom's bad week. I got a text from my mom very early this morning that she won't be able to run the NYC marathon. She has a femoral neck fracture - roughly translated as she cracked her hip - and is not allowed to run for three months. This is devastating. She won't have to have surgery or anything, she just can't do anything high impact until the crack heals. She's extremely lucky it was caught now. Oh yeah, and her identity was stolen as well. Both things are totally fixable, both things were caught before major damage was done, but both things are stressful and just plain sucky.

My time has been kind of eaten up by work stuff this week (it's a staff retreat so yes, today work stuff included a very drunken game of pictionary involving 61 people and I think my toe was broken in the process) but STILL, busy. I haven't been able to chat with her as much as I like to try and lift her spirits. Could you guys help me out? Say something nice for my mom or or say something shopping related. I know she would be forever thrilled.

Okay.

I had the consult today and all went well. Okay, it went well if you subtract out the Dr.'s surprise at my last incision. She will not be using the same incision and repairing it because it would be dramatic overkill. Instead I'll get three new incisions on my abdomen. Can you sense my excitement? Can you?

The good news is that I won't need to stay in the hospital and will only need to be out of work for one to two weeks. I'll be having my surgery at the end of October and it shouldn't interfere with too much. I feel like I'm in good hands, and I feel relieved. It's unlikely I'll be able to keep my left ovary and I'll keep at least part of my right ovary. It's not ideal, but I understand the (very long and involved) reasoning.

Basically, the appointment was fine except for one small detail...

You know how doctor's offices have the paper covering the table? Yes. You know how when you visit a doctor for your lady parts you have to undress the bottom half of your body? Yes. Okay then. Today it was 92 degrees in Philadelphia. The office wasn't well air-conditioned. I spent 35 minutes sitting there talking to the doctor. When I stood up, the paper was stuck to the back of my thighs on up. My rear was wallpapered. Great. I supposed to redress so I could go and fill out some pre-op paperwork and the doctor was waiting outside of the room. But there was the paper. It was STUCK. I had left an ass-shaped cut out on the table paper and it was all STUCK to my ass. I went to pull it off, but it only came off in tiny pieces. So, there I stood peeling tiny strips of paper from my ass, trying to torque my body to actually see my rear and make sure I got everything. It was a moment.

Now you'll understand when I tell you that I met my mom and V for drinks and had... more than one glass of cava. Then there was a mani, a pedi and new mascara. A friend is pregnant! V is getting married soon, and really, life isn't so bad. But if you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to go look at my ass to see if there is still paper stuck to it.

The consult

Tomorrow, at 1:50 PM, I have my surgical consult for my ovaries. For those of you just turning in, I tried to grow a Wii on my ovary but accidentally grew two dermoid cysts. This isn't my first bout with them, I had surgery in 2006 for the same thing. I've tried to be a big girl about this because I know what to expect. It's a simple procedure and I'll be okay. Simple. Safe. Easy.

That's just to say: I'm completely freaking the hell out right now. Did you know the more surgery you have on your ovaries the more scar tissue you develop and the less likely you are to be able to ovulate and have children? BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Did you know that the doctor who did my last surgery told me that I should plan on being done having children by 30 and OMG I am nowhere even close to being able to begin having children because I'd probably have to cut back on my spa treatments and I'm not emotionally ready for that? Plus there are infections and lots of other bad things that can happen to you when you go into a hospital and have major surgery.

Last time my surgery was shortly after discovery so I didn't have time to worry, this time I'm hoping to schedule it for December. This gives me LOTS of time to worry, but I have lots of exciting work travel between now and then that I don't want to miss, including one where I can meet Rhi and Carissa. This is a fairly superficial concern.

But. BUT. Maybe this doctor will be able to fix my scar. I have a vertical incision and despite the fact that I weigh twelve pounds less than I did then my waist is two inches bigger. Lovely, huh? Maybe the new doctor can fix it. Yes, that's a positive thought. Maybe I'll also be able to convince the doctor that the fat surrounding my midsection is also affecting the cysts and should be removed while she's in there.

If I could have some good thoughts for tomorrow, I would appreciate it. My goals for tomorrow are to be able to schedule the surgery in December, to have my scar fixed, and of course, to be healthy.

Catching up

My mom called me last week because she found the cutest pair of riding boots -- for a baby. She apparently had a hard time resisting buying them and she needed to share. Apparently I was the only one she could call because if she called my brother he would be all "WTF?!" and if she called Goodness & Light it could be perceived as "you're the only one of my four children in a relationship and I need to buy these boots so get on it" and if she called my other stepsister it could be perceived as "I'm ready to have grandchildren, get on it". So, she called me.

"Why would the kids need to wear riding boots?"

"To look cute!"

"So I have to dress my kids up in little equestrian outfits when I take them to visit you?"

"I'll keep the clothes at my house."

"So you're going to keep clothing at your house to dress your grandkids so they look cute when they're there?"

"Yes."

"Just for your house?"

"Yes, I'm going to dress them in whatever I want. Sailor suits, riding boots, whatever."

She has this all planned and yet, speaking as her eldest child, I'm thinking she has a while to go before she has to start stockpiling.

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Lizzy, my former officemate has officially abandoned me. I refrained from sending her hate mail today since it was the first day of her new job but tomorrow IT IS ON. Okay, not really. It's a great job and I'm happy for her. Plus she has to work two more days in CA next week so I'll probably hold my hate mail until then.

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I had a fairly busy weekend if you count furiously knitting as being busy.

This is a hat and booties I made for a baby shower on Sunday.

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Mom is in Philadelphia this week and we've had some good times over tuna tartare. We've also enjoyed some good togetherness as we visited my grandmother and her husband yesterday.

What was waiting for us?

These are the Love Cuffs. On their bed post. Next to the nurses' call button.

My grandmother needed some new clothes. The three square meals a day and ice cream at the nursing home plus questionable taste and a desire for comfort above all else made this a necessity. She was not pleased. She was quite adamant that we not throw things away. That was fine, I told her I was packing it up to give to my cousin. Who's thirteen. Because their style is TOTALLY THE SAME. Well, in sorting through the closet Nana became offended.

"You keep telling me how bad I look and I haven't even had a chance to tell you what I think of you two."

"How do we look, Nan?"

"Terrible."

Okay then.

Mom and I kept mouthing things back and forth at each other out of sight and ear shot of my grandmother. These conversations were very jovial until my mother said something so awful and terrible I told her I hated her and was never speaking to her ever again. She, however, laughed so hard I think she was in danger of wetting herself. She still works herself into laughing hysterics when it comes up no matter how much I insist it's NOT FUNNY.

She's mean that way.