I spent a good portion of today at pre-admission testing for my upcoming surgery. My hospital has this down to a science and basically, I sat in a room while a stream of people came in to do their thing. I had my interview, a physical, met with the anesthesiologist, yadda yadda yadda. Each of these people ask a series of questions: how to spell my name, date of birth, date of surgery, blah, blah, and if I have an advanced directive or a living will. I also got a pamphlet on advanced directives. By the time the third person asked me I stopped responding with "I'M TWENTY SIX" and simply said, "My family knows my wishes."
After leaving the testing facility, off to buy myself a present because I decided that for every vial of blood they took I could spend $10. Oddly, I promptly forgot about my present and instead decided that I should take a nap. It was a glorious nap. But I still get my present!
Mom called to ask how things had gone so I was sharing, and when I got to the advanced direction portion of the day decided to add, for good measure, "If you Terri Sciavo me I WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS." My mom laughed hysterically. "No, seriously, if you guys put pictures of me looking at a balloon on the internet I WILL HAUNT YOU."
"You're going to haunt me?"
"Yes, I will make sure every time you go to wear a pair of heels they break."
"So what do you want us to do?"
"If I'm declared brain dead, let me die, donate my organs and cremate me."
"Do we have to donate, or can we put them on the black market?"
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL MY ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET."
"Well, it's not like you'll have a choice..."
"I WILL HAUNT YOU. You may not sell my organs to buy Gucci."
"I just think we have to consider all options. The economy is in pretty bad shape."
"I think I'm going to give A. [my 13-year-old cousin] power of attorney. Seriously, I don't want to wake up with out part of an ovary and my uterus."
"Even if they have to use duct tape to keep it in there?"
"If there's mention of duct tape, I'd like a second opinion."
"Well we'll go out, have a glass of wine and see what we decide."
"Are you saying that's the second opinion?"
"Yes, it will be our second opinion."
Later I called my dad to go over the plan for the day of surgery. After some logistical discussion I threw in, "If you Terri Schiavo me, I'll haunt you. I'm serious."
"Well, we'll have to leave it to whatever Republican is handling those things."
"Seriously, if I'm declared brain dead, pull the plug, donate my organs and have my body cremated."
"Hey, instead of donating - "
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SELL MY ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET."
"You donate and it's not even tax-deductible."
"Mom had the same idea."
"Why should she get the black market organ money?"
After some thinking and discussion, it was determined that my black market organ money should go to dad, to which he responded, "But she's a salesperson so I'll cut her in for 30%, more if she already has a buyer."