Faith

Last week the blog world was rocked by the loss of Maddie Spohr. Then the loss of Thalon Myers. Two babies were taken suddenly from their families. Two babies with loving, friendly, hysterically funny mothers. In my corner of the internet people seem paralyzed because it still doesn't feel quite right that life should go on as usual. The people they used to laugh with are not laughing right now and instead are hurting more than any person should know.

I was stunned when I read about Maddie's passing on Tuesday night. I was stunned when I heard that Thalon might not survive. I do not know their parents and I've felt gripped by their situations. I've donated money, cried and prayed. I wish I could do more.

I'm a new and struggling Christian. Situations like these shake my faith. Part of my faith is believing there's a God charge of the world and to trust that He works in ways that I may not understand, but that He has a plan and it is good. It's really hard to believe that sometimes. It's really hard to believe that when bad things are happening to babies. Cute, smiling, happy, innocent BABIES.

When Maddie first died I tried to think of a way to explain it, to explain why such a beautiful, happy spirit should be taken from the earth so soon. I know I can't actually justify the loss but it was impossible not to question it. In my worldly naivete I figured maybe Maddie was an answer to prayers. Her parents had almost lost her several times in pregnancy and through complications of prematurity. Maybe she was an answer to those prayers. After all, what better, cuter answer could there be? That was the explanation I had settled on: Maddie, in her short time on earth, was a miracle and an answer to prayers.

If only tragedy were that easy and succinct.

For the Spohr family someone will always be missing. Every moment they had with her will still be one too few. An explanation of any sort will never make that better.

And then Thalon died. Another baby. Another family torn apart. Two adoring older sisters who are thrust into this pain. A mother whose vision of SIDS will never leave her no matter how long she tries.

No explanation will ever help that kind of pain.

So far in 2009 I've followed the stories online of Emily Mandell, Harper Brown, Stellan, Cora, a friend's infant cousin who is battling Neuroblastoma, Isabel who lost her pregnancy in the second trimester, Jen and Britney who are both in the respective hospitals fighting to stay pregnant. Oh, and how could I leave the Nielson family off of this list? I look at my groups of friends: Cancer, divorce, family troubles, fertility struggles, financial issues, general suckitude.

I don't even want to talk about the evening news.

It's too much.

I feel guilty for feeling blessed. As horrible as I feel for those suffering I cannot help but thing I'm so glad it's not me, I couldn't handle it. Please God don't let stuff like this happen to me.I feel ridiculous having material desires, petty wants and prayer requests.

Since I started on my initial journey to see what this whole faith thing is all about there have been two moments that made me stop and think, whoa, maybe these people are on to something. The first was reading about Jody Ferlaak's family after stumbling onto her blog from a design blog. Jody's family went through an incredible tragedy when a woman attempting to commit suicide drove her car into a restaurant while the Ferlaaks were eating breakfast. They lost their daughter Teagan and each of the other family members sustained serious injuries. The family has since rebuilt their life. It's not the same, but it's a life that's filled with joy and happiness. The kicker for me was that when the Ferlaaks testified in the trial against the driver they expressed their desire to help her and make sure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes when she is released from prison. Whoa. The family relied strongly on their faith to get them through the worst of times. Not only did they survive, but they came through it strong, faithful, hopeful and compassionate.

The second story is of Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman. His daughter died last May and I had never heard of him before. To be honest, I probably would have flipped off anyone who suggested I pay attention in any way, shape or form to Christian at that point. Maria Sue died in a tragic accident in the family's driveway when her older brother, Will Franklin, pulled in and she ran into the path of the moving car. In a Good Morning America interview Steven talks about how after the accident and he was on his way to the hospital he yelled out the window of his car, "Will Franklin, your father loves you!" In that moment, I got chills. Since the tragedy the family has struggled with their grief and their faith in God. As the interview went on, he said they're a family with a lot of questions and having questions is exactly what faith is.

For me, that's the hardest thing, not having answers, only questions. And thus came the hardest realization for me: not only is having faith a choice, it's an active choice.  

In the past I've also followed the stories of Kristie's daughter Kendrie. The Scott Family who lost their little girl Allie several years ago. Christi Thomas. Moreena's daughter Annika. Tricia and Gwyneth. Audrey's family. And others, I'm sure. People have struggled and lived, people have struggled and died.

The amazing thing I've seen through these stories is that people do laugh again. They will always grieve, but they are still able to exist, still able to love, still able to breathe and laugh. Broken, but repaired with cracks and flaws in place, and embraced.The capacity of human resiliency is amazing. 

It's hard to ignore the beauty that does eke out from under the blankets of grief. The internet is an amazing, powerful place. The world is. Prayer chains, donations, community, love. It's beautiful. People are still suffering, that's never going to stop. But there is an innate human kindness that in times of tragedy and crisis binds people. There's hope that one day things might not hurt as much, there are still miracles and there are still baby belly laughs out there. They will smile again.

I'm choosing to have faith.

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Thalon's family will be having services Friday, April 17th at 11:00 am. My thoughts and prayers are with the family for comfort and peace. If you would like to help alleviate their financial burdens during this time, you can find more information here.

Comments

[jcristg]

Who said you can't write? I thought that was beautiful.

[heidikins]

This is beautiful. I don't really have any other comments, but thank you so much for sharing this.

xox

[TUWABVB]

Thank you, thank you - you managed to put everything I was feeling into words and you also made me feel a lot better about my shaken faith. This was a beautiful post!

[Legallyblondemel]

Thank you. I've felt very much the same lately. This is a wonderful post.

[Green is the New Dots]

This is a beautiful post. Well said.

[Kristabella]

This was a great, beautiful post.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. But for things like losing a job or breaking your leg, or other small things. Not death.

And I have had a really hard time with these tragedies and trying to figure out why. There is no reason. God has His reasons, but His reasons will never seem fair to us, and especially to the Spohrs and the Meyers family.

But they will move on. It will always be part of them and shape their lives from here on out, but they will move on from this. One day. I just hope that day is soon for both families, and all families who have to deal with this kind of tragedy.

[AmyH]

After more than 2 months of not posting, this one was worth the wait.

[Anonymous New York]

This is a beautiful and touching post. Thank you.

[Jane]

Interesting post. It has been horrible to read about these families' losses.
I don't believe "everything happens for a reason". I believe good things can come out of horrible things, but I do not believe God does bad stuff to us for a reason. I think it happens as an outworking of a broken universe and that God hates this stuff more than we do.
Thanks for writing your blog and being prepared to tackle the big stuff.

[Courtney]

We don't know each other, found your blog on Bethany's. Yet have too often been and still visit where you are with this. so, I thought I would share the truth that I have come to rest in. If your faith is built on God's Hand and how it moves, it will crumble. we can't make sense of it and it goes against what we want and should believe. If your faith is in his Heart (read throught scripture to find his character and the gospels of Jesus life "You see me, you see my father) and learn to trust and rest in a heart of God who desires to bring redemption and restoration of any situation. Continue the honesty, especially with God, he can handle it.