This is it?

A few months ago I was walking through the train station to catch an early train. To where? I don't really remember. I stopped into Dunkin Donuts for an egg sandwich and on my way out, a man was asking for money. I stopped. 

***

I work in Center City Philadelphia. People are asking for money every day. It pains me as I walk past. And I do just walk by and wish them a good day. I do have money to give, but I also know that it's rare the money is going to actual food. It's not that I don't care, I do. I have a habit of coming across folks experiencing homelessness who are in distress (it's here where I take a break and search through my archives to see if I wrote about the time I, along with others, came across a man we thought was dead - couldn't find a pulse! - who, as soon as ambulance sirens were in the distance, bounced up and asked for beef jerky. It turns out I did not write about this. Until now.) Philadelphia is lucky to be home to several amazing outreach organizations (Project H.O.M.E., notably) who also reach out to individuals who want to help and don't quite know how. I know that the best thing for me to do is support organizations that provide assistance to folks most in need, and to treat these folks with respect. I know that the individuals I see on my daily route are in close to assistance and shelters. I know help is available to them, and I also know they are known to the local organizations. Is it a perfect situation? No. 

***

He asked me for $3.49, because that's what a sandwich costs. I should have gone back into the store and bought a sandwich for him. I should have. I was going to just walk away, and I even started to. But I felt guilty. I turned around, reached into my purse and pulled out some coins lying at the bottom and handed them over. I was feeling so proud. Look at me! Giving! I never do this! It's probably going to hooch! But who cares! I'm such a good person!

My ego is kind of a jerk sometimes. And no, smug is not a good look for me.

I dropped the coins into his hand and he looked at me like I had ten, disgusting heads and said, "I told you a sandwich costs $3.49."

The ungrateful, inconsiderate...

I walked away. I had given him over a dollar! He was well on his way and he seriously should have said thank you.

If you're wondering, the view from my high horse is great. 

I kept replaying the scene in my mind for the duration of the train ride. I kept thinking of the look on his face, of being totally annoyed. I felt hurt. I got less and less annoyed, and I started feeling more and more guilty. I could have given him more and I didn't. I could have, should have, bought the sandwich and I didn't. And you should never give with the expectation of being thanked, that's not the point of giving. I couldn't change anything from my seat on the train.

My mind kept wandering back to the look on his face. The look of disgust and disappointment. And then it hit me: I make that face. 

I often look at situations and think, "This is it?" or "Uh, this isn't what I asked for." I say "thanks, but..." I throw a hissy fit when the dryers at the laundromat dry half of my clothes before breaking. I think annoyed thoughts when my apartment is only cooled down to 84 with the air running at full blast. I... could go on. I'm really not as grateful as I should be. I don't want to make that face, or give that feeling, to anyone. I AM grateful.

I wish I could have changed the situation in the train station. I wish I could have done the right thing. But selfishly, I gleaned a lesson from my less than stellar behavior: I always want to be grateful, even for the little things, even for the halfsies, even for the giant failures. Sometimes it's a little taxing to be grateful for something I'm, uh, not enthused about, but the overall benefit is worth it.

Comments

[Aly]

You gave - that is the important thing! I agree with you with the guilt.. but honestly, there are lots of people out there who DON'T give. And sadly, even if you'd bought a sandwich, there is just as much chance that he still would've wanted something else, money wise. We can't win 'em all.

[Anne]

I'm really drawn to your idea of working to be grateful for, well, everything. It sounds like something I've heard a million times, and in fact said myself a million times (be grateful for what you have!), yet something about your post makes it seem...doable? A worthwhile goal? Necessary? I'm not sure. But I AM going to make a more concentrated effort to be grateful. Like how right now even though the Internet ate my first comment and I had to re-type this, I'm still grateful that I had the time/ability to do so.

Man, I'm not normally this glass-half-full-I-CAN-DO-IT. I'd better go lie down.

[Carrisa]

You can't beat yourself up over not giving him enough to buy the sandwich. I'm always that bleeding heart that believes they are going to spend the money on food or shelter. Then I got burned last year by a guy who begged for money for bus tickets to get his stranded family home. I gave him $20 and then found him 20 minutes later walking the opposite way of the bus station with a bottle in his hand. I was so angry I cried. Because I have a mother who can barely make endsmeat and if I was going to just give away $20 I would have rather it gone to her. She would have tithed out of it and bought groceries or paid on a bill.

Needless to say I'm totally jaded now and I will not give money to beggars. I will give food and I will continue to sponsor my World Vision kids. At least I know that money is going where it's supposed to.

I do like your idea though of being more grateful for what you have. We could all stand to do that.

Glad to have you blogging again.

[Kristabella]

That is such a great idea in theory. I mean, I know that I do the same thing. I mean, I got pissed last night that my sister ate a hot dog without asking. THE HORROR! I have enough means to buy another hot dog or eat something else.

I think I'm always going to have those moments. But I think the key is to make sure they are few and far between and when they do happen, remind yourself that you are lucky and you should be grateful.

[Jess]

I love this, because I think it's such a good point. Just because you're homeless and begging for money, doesn't mean you're less human. All of us get disgusted and annoyed when our expectations aren't met. Just because you're homeless doesn't mean you should be happy for every little scrap (not saying that your donation was just a scrap, just speaking metaphorically) just because it's better than nothing. Just like you weren't happy with your old apartment because of its annoying location even though obviously it was better than a box under a bridge. I think it was a very humanizing experience, and also doesn't lessen that you did take a moment out of your day to do something that you thought was nice for another person.

[sara]

I honestly think that most people who have a specific figure are just trying to get you to give them more money that you might if they were asking for change. How many times have I been asked for this much for bus fare, a sandwich, gas to get their car going, money to help pay for Christmas presents that were stolen. Etc etc etc. I may be cynical but I think it most often times is just a scam. I feel this way because I have seen them hours later asking for the same amount with the same story(even though I have given them bus fare or just enough to get a sandwich) I have tried the purchasing food route instead and that has been totally unsatisfying too. One woman with a sign that said "Need money for food" I bought her a sandwich and she scoffed at me "I don't want your sandwich, I want your money!" Uh. Yeah.
I have basically stopped giving change out, and donate regularly to a homeless shelter that provides meals, clothes and a place to stay to those that come looking for those things. I understand the world is a hard place, and I have a great deal of sympathy and compassion which is why it makes it so hard to ignore those asking for change on the street. But you gave, and he wasn't grateful. Sad. :( But you still gave him something...

[Janssen]

One time a guy came up to me when I was going to campus and asked for gas money. I told him I didn't have any money. I was holding a McDonald's parfait in my hand and he asked all snidely, "Then how did you buy THAT?" I was so taken aback (the answer of course was WITH MY FREAKING CREDIT CARD) because, hi, you're asking me for a big favor and then you're going to get all snappy with me when I can't help (I really did not have one single penny with me).